Make It, Don't Fake It

I receive a lot of email wherein people voice their opinion of my books or my blogs or they simply want to share something they’ve experienced.  I love these emails.  I love that people feel that they can vent or open up to me, and that my blog is a safe haven for their questions.  Sure, every so often I get an email that is less than kind, but those are few and far between.  Most of the time, people simply want to be heard.

This is why I love receiving emails from people who feel they can “talk” to me, even virtually.  I can’t always answer their questions, but I always read what they’ve written and I always respond.

Here’s a section of one I want to share:

My husband and I have been together for almost four years and we love each other very much, but the problem is we don’t ever talk about sex and it isn’t very good.  I don’t know how to tell him I’ve been faking it all this time and then taking care of myself on the side.  He’s against masturbation and would probably be really hurt if he knew.  Besides, he thinks he’s really good in bed because I’ve made him think so.  I guess you could say I know how to make it look real and now I don’t know what to do.  I’m afraid he’ll leave me if I tell him the truth.

This is a sticky situation, but you’d be surprised how many women share this same story.

Men and women alike want to be considered good lovers.  We all want to be able to turn-on our partner, to stimulate them, taunt them a little and ultimately drive them into the orgasmic throes of euphoric bliss.  But the reality is, few are able to do this without open communication and teaching one another the seductive secrets of their bodies.

It is easier for most men to achieve orgasm than it is for most women.  Duh, right?!

What this translates to is that the man is going to have to work harder to please his woman; and the woman is going to have to communicate her needs to her man.  If she is shy or if the couple has never talked about sex, this can be extremely difficult.

Women fake orgasm for a number of reasons.  First, they want their man to feel good about himself.  They believe that for the experience to bring them closer together, they need to bolster his ego.  Second, because they believe if they pant and scream, it will be a more erotic experience, one he will never want to risk leaving or losing.  Third, because sometimes she’s tired and just wants to go to sleep already.

Whatever the reason, faking can eventually drive a wedge between the man and woman.  It can cause the woman to harbor negative emotions toward sex and toward her husband; which isn’t really fair to him, since he’s clueless, having no idea she’s been faking all along.

Is this fixable?  Absolutely.  Does it have to involve a difficult conversation where you shatter his ego by telling him you’ve been faking?   No.  It can be done gently and in a very fun way. 

Open a bottle of wine and light some candles, or whatever you do to set the mood.  Buy yourself some sex dice or make your own, and let the lesson begin.  The key here is to not let him know he’s being taught something...simply let him think you’ve arranged a night of erotica.  Every time the dice is rolled, you tell each other how or where you like to be touched.  The rule of the evening is “ladies first” and he doesn’t get to climax until after you.  Dig out those sex toys, or whatever you’ve been hiding and using on yourself and let him use them.  He doesn’t need to know you’ve been using them on yourself…let him think this is all part of the special evening.  (I’m not saying you should blatantly lie about it… I’m just saying you shouldn’t offer up the information right now.  Maybe you can tell him later.)  Only groan, moan, pant or yelp when he does something right…something that inches you closer to bliss; and use your hands to direct his to the right place, the right speed, the right pressure.  Believe me, he’ll follow your cues, because most men have a desire to please their woman.   He loves you and he wants to be everything you need and want in bed.  Trembling in his arms for “real” will be an experience unlike any other, and one you both deserve to share.

When it’s over and he remarks that it’s never been like this before… simply smile and say, “I want it like this every time.”  He'll log it into his memory banks and your sex life will have been changed for good.

Good sex is a learned skill, and satisfying a woman is no easy task; but most men are up for the job.  So… don’t fake it… because in doing so, you’re not doing your marriage, him or yourself any long term good. 

Show him how to make it so you never have to fake it again.